Wisdom of Love

I still have a headache from my other post so I thought I'd keep it simple with this one. Check out "A Wisdom Story" from Anthony De Mello, SJ:

I was a neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. And everyone kept telling me to change. And everyone kept telling me how neurotic I was. And I resented them, and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but I just couldn't bring myself to change, no matter how hard I tried. What hurt the most was that my best friend also kept telling me how neurotic I was. He too kept insisting that I change. And I agreed with him too, though I couldn't bring myself to resent him. And I felt so powerless and so trapped. Then one day he said to me, "Don't change. Stay as you are. It really doesn't matter whether you change or not. I love you just the way you are; I cannot help loving you." These words sounded like music to my ears: "Don't change. Don't change. Don't change. I love you." And I relaxed. And I came alive. And, oh wondrous marvel, I changed.

In truth, I have been having a really hard time since moving to Boston because I keep wanting to change things. I miss California; I miss living in community; I miss having my work and life interconnected; I miss the carefree nature of being in a program; I miss the sunshine, and the meaning that comes with serving others. I have been moody (euphemism), disconnected and disengaged in Boston. So I keep seeking change: Should I move? Apply to grad school? Sign up for an internship with Episcopalian monks in Cambridge? Work on a Navajo reservation in New Mexico? Give up Facebook? Start a blog? Read more? Search for answers in organizations, churches, and meaningful work? Volunteer? Explore the arts as an outlet? Chill out and kick it with friends more often? I fear complacency and getting "stuck" so it's hard not to want change--and not to think that a solution to my worries will come from some kind of change. I want to end this post by saying that I have reached a point of calm. That I honestly and completely trust the process and value the journey--and that everything works out when you place love and relationships at the center of your life. I know that this is the right mindset, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. Almost, maybe, but not quite. Especially because I haven't let go of the idea that I need some kind of change in order for things to fall into place...

In any case, De Mello's words were comforting to me, and I truly trust in the wisdom that he shares; I think I just also have to trust myself. I'm heading to California next week--probably indirectly searching for answers through the trip. Regardless, I'll be kickin' it with some of the most loving people I know. :)

Till next time!

CoOnEy